


for once i wish i could see myself

by chewhy



Series: Mirror [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, Greek Mythology - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Narcissus and Echo, Orpheus and Eurydice Myth, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 19:18:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14267805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chewhy/pseuds/chewhy
Summary: a modern retelling of the narcissus and echo myth





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> i hope that hyunjin is doing okay. i encourage everybody to leave him kind messages through the jype fans. thank you.
> 
> this will be a short chaptered fic, maybe two or three chapters max, although it may change.
> 
> a moodboard for your troubles: [hyunjin, narcissus](https://twitter.com/2jaepg/status/983435026963533826)

When Hyunjin was a child, he used to love to look at the sky as he walked. Looking up at the sky, he would try to spot birds, clouds, bird-shaped clouds, pointing with his fingers this way and that way as he pointed with one hand, chattering excitedly to his mother as they held hands and walked along the river path. Sometimes, trees would form over them and obscure the light of the sun so that it would only filter gently down between cherry blossoms, hued with the lightest, palest pink as it gently caressed Hyunjin’s cheeks, and Hyunjin liked that even better. 

 

As he got older, he still liked to look at the sky, but people no longer found it cute or endearing when he would stumble into them, muttering a soft apology as he scuttled off. They pointed fingers and whispered under his breath, thinking that as long as he was looking at the clouds, his head would be there, too, not realizing that he could hear every harsh word they uttered, every lie they spat out, creating an image for him that was not his own. 

 

Perhaps, looking up so much at the sun had made the sun hopeful, and wish to bless one of its most dutiful worshippers. The blessing of good grace, good face turned out, instead, to be a curse. Hyunjin was beautiful, skin glowing bright like the sun, cheeks and lips pink like the same cherry blossoms he so often stared at, stopping in the middle of the path to watch them wave until he grew dizzy. He was beautiful, but because he looked so often at the sky, he never looked in the mirror and he didn’t know he was so. 

 

The only problem was that others did. And whereas some worshipped him like he worshipped the sun, others drew back into the shadows, grown spiteful and jealous at something a child couldn’t control. 

 

At school, his nickname was Sissy, for Narcissus perhaps in a universe where children were intelligent on top of vile, but really because the schoolyard bullies weren’t creative enough to think of names to call a pretty face and a pretty soul that didn’t connect with inherent femininity. 

 

The names, Hyunjin could handle. He learned to ignore it and walk on. But after the first bump, the second bump, the third bump, the fourth, the fifth, and so many immeasurable… collisions, or so Hyunjin calls it when his mother asks him, he stops walking with his head facing the sky, shoulders too open and too inviting to the fists that would pummel them until he no longer had to crane back his neck to watch the clouds pass by. After the nth time found him laying there on the gravel, moaning and gasping and yet still beautiful as the tears, glistening like the clearest of crystals, flowed down his cheeks, he stopped finding the beauty in the sky and instead sought protection in the ground, looking down and watching his feet as he walked, making sure not to tumble, avoiding attention at all costs, shying away from any other approaching footsteps, be it friend or foe. 

 

Even so, the people around him couldn’t help but seek out his face, the blessing and curse he never asked for. They thought that his skittishness was haughtiness, his fear was pride, and his silence was arrogance. These ideas they traded and bought amongst themselves, not realizing the truth within. 

 

It was their own cruel envy that turned an innocent child’s wonder into dread. 


	2. mirror for myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> exams are murdering me so here is an incredibly short update! kudos and comments always appreciated~

“Hey,” Jisung says, giving Felix a nod as he slides into his seat. They have about five minutes before the professor walks in, and Felix regrets being early. It means he’ll have to deal with some more small talk.

 

“Hey,” Felix responds, voice deep and raspy. 

 

“Aha!” Changbin says, suddenly appearing on Felix’s other side. “So he talks!”

 

“Yes. I talk.” Felix rolls his eyes but doesn’t bother to elaborate further. He’s not in the mood to stress about language so early in the morning. There’s a reason his concentration is in the sciences and not the humanities. 

 

“Stop giving him shit about it, Changbin,” Jisung defends. Really, Jisung is his entire light and savior, Felix decides. Everybody else can go rot in a hole. But he doesn’t say any of this out loud and just smiles in gratitude at Jisung. 

 

“Yeah, yeah. Oh, look who decided to show up to class today,” Changbin says, lowering his voice as he nods towards the back of the room. 

 

Felix and Jisung don’t even have to look back to know that their school’s own very dearest Narcissus has entered the room, what with the tittering and muffled squealing that breaks out among the girls. 

 

“That’s annoying,” Jisung mutters, whipping his head back around to moodily stare at the board. 

 

“Annoying?” Felix questions. He’s never understood why everybody seemed to hate the poor kid so much, but then again he’s only been here for a few weeks now so he can’t really speak on the dynamics of the class as a whole. On second thought, his thoughts are getting too deep when university’s only supposed to be about partying and procrastinating homework. 

 

“Yeah, like, he thinks he’s so cool and all that. He literally never talks to anybody, won’t even look them in the eye because he’s _the_ Hwang Hyunjin. Like, apparently his parents are super wealthy or something. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s all plastic under there,” Jisung says, spitting a string of words so fast that Felix has some trouble keeping up. 

 

“Plastic?”

 

“Yes, plastic. That is what I said, Felix,” Jisung sighs in exasperation. “You really don’t have to repeat every word I say.”

 

Felix wants to apologize, but at this point, he decides that he’s better off just keeping his mouth shut instead. Luckily, the professor comes in at that moment and the class begins.

 

—

 

Later, after the class finishes up, Felix takes his time packing his bags while Jisung and Changbin rush out. Changbin asks, “We’re going to get lunch and then head to the library later, are you going to come?”

 

“I’ll come later,” Felix answers, opting to take his time and find someplace else to eat his lunch, hopefully alone so he doesn’t have to string together words long enough to make complete sentences in a language that twists up his tongue. 

 

Changbin shrugs, “Okay then,” and in a flash, they are gone, likely coming up with lyrics so they can spit verses and manipulate their words in a way Felix can only admire. 

 

As Felix leaves the room, he notices Hyunjin remains alone, head face down on the desk, asleep. Nobody had bothered to wake him, and Felix acts on impulse as he reaches out a hand, shaking Hyunjin’s shoulder. When Hyunjin wakes with a startled flinch, letting out a surprised, “What?” as he looks around, cheeked creased with the imprint of his sweater, Felix doesn’t bother to utter a word and simply leaves the classroom. He misses the way Hyunjin watches him go, whispering, “Thanks” under his breath. 

 

Later that day, Felix finds himself sitting alone in the dining hall as he picks through the cafeteria food. Felix assumes Jisung and Changbin must have forgotten to let him know they were going off campus for food as he scrolls through their Snapchat stories. He’s not too hurt about it, as he would have rather avoided the awkward attempts at conversation that was bound to come up at some point. Here, alone in the cafeteria, at least he can eat without stress and interruption. 

 

He looks around, tiring quickly of his phone as he looks over at the various tables full of groups of friends walking and laughing. His gaze flits around, avoiding eye contact until it comes to rest on a lone figure sitting at a table, picking at his food. Felix can’t help but feel like he’s looking at a reflection of his own self. 

 

He watches Hyunjin and mimics his actions, taking a bite of food, then turning to his phone, taking another small bite, and then turning to his phone. After a moment, Felix realizes he’s been staring too long but figures it doesn’t matter enough as Hyunjin keeps his head down, staring intensely at his own food as if it contains all the secrets of the world. 

 

Felix watches silently and catches himself and the jealousy and envy he feels as he looks upon the boy, wondering how somebody who has everything, the looks, the natural _speech_ that Felix envies, doesn’t bother to utilize it. Felix wonders why when it must come so easily and naturally to Hyunjin, why doesn’t he use it to socialize and make friends, when Felix struggles every day to do something so simple as speak up when called on in class. 

 

Then, as he sees a small group of rowdy boys pass behind Hyunjin, he realizes. As he watches them snicker and point, then approach him from behind just to shove his face down until it collides with the table and comes back up with a smear of food and sauce on its cheeks, he realizes that maybe things aren’t always so easy. 

 

Felix gets up to throw away his trash. 

 

 

 

—

 

 

One morning Felix wakes up and it’s still dark. He’s not sure what woke him, probably just his bladder, but he can’t help but feel a strange sense of unease somewhere within his stomach. As he walks down the dorm hallway to the bathroom, the lights flickering ominously as they have been for the past two weeks, he finds himself turning his head to look behind him as he imagines ghostly cries for help and sees distorted images of rushing water. 

 

Shaking his head to clear himself of whatever nightmares had decided to plague him the night before, he pushes open the door to the bathroom, only to find that Hyunjin is already there in front of the sink. 

 

Felix observes him for a moment before speaking up. “What are you doing?” Felix asks. It’s 5AM, far too early for anybody to really be up and about, even for an early morning class. It’s more likely that Hyunjin is yet to fall asleep, but based on the bedhead and pajamas, Felix guesses that that is not the case. 

 

Hyunjin startles at the sound of Felix’s voice, turning with a jerk. “Hey Felix,” he says, reaching his arm behind his back as if to hide something, only to drop it with a clatter as it falls to the ground and rolls to Felix’s feet.

 

“What’s this?” Felix asks, leaning down to pick up the small tube.

 

“It’s nothing!” Hyunjin offers with a forced chuckle, batting a hand forward as if to snatch at it.

 

“Concealer? Do you wear makeup?” Felix asks, handing the tube back. 

 

Hyunjin takes it, turning back to the mirror with a sigh. He stands there for a moment, letting the question hang in the air as he observes his own reflection. 

 

Felix shrugs, is about to turn and leave when Hyunjin lets out a warbled gasp. It’s something between a sob and a laugh, and Felix isn’t sure what he’ll do if Hyunjin bursts into tears or hysterics on him, but he seems to compose himself in time. “I don’t know,” Hyunjin answers finally. “I just. Maybe if I looked different, people would like me.”

 

This time, Felix laughs, a sarcastic and ironic laugh until he realizes that Hyunjin’s words are sincere and rooted deep in the bottom of his heart. “Wait, what?” Felix asks. “Dude, have you even looked in a mirror?”

 

“I’m looking now, aren’t I,” Hyunjin says. He looks up at the reflection of himself, and Felix watches as Hyunjin’s eyes roam the glass, looking without seeing as he searches ever pore, every blemish, letting his eyes trace the outline of his own jaw and down the bridge of his nose as his gaze bumps over his cupid’s bow. Felix also sees that not once does Hyunjin manage to make eye contact with his own self. Felix feels sorry, almost, that Hyunjin won’t look into those warm, deep eyes of his, that Hyunjin won’t ever fall in love with a boy as precious and kindhearted as Felix has fallen in love with. 

 

Hyunjin looks at the mirror and not in the mirror, falling in love with the image of what he might be if he were accepted by others, all along missing the point of loving oneself. 

 

Once Felix is back in his dorm room, looking up at the ceiling as he lies awake in bed, he realizes two things. First, that he forgot to pee. Second, that he was able to speak to Hyunjin without fear and without shame for the first time ever. A part of him wonders if perhaps Hyunjin is his cure. 


	3. orpheus and eurydice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> do you know the tale of orpheus?

After that incident in the bathroom, Felix begins to watch Hyunjin regularly from afar. It isn’t much, just a few glances here and there. He doesn’t really have the interest or concern to start stalking him or writing weird love notes like some of the girls around them do. But Felix begins to look for Hyunjin when he enters a room, or scan the classroom if it’s one of their shared classes. 

 

At some point, Hyunjin looks up and catches Felix watching. 

 

Felix isn’t sure what part of him tells him to do it, but he holds eye contact with the other boy. Steadily, they gaze at each other, neither of them moving. Even their expressions remain the same. Blank. 

 

It must be something about suffering that binds them together and tells them that it doesn’t ever help to show emotion on your face. 

 

Then Changbin pushes his shoulder so that he’ll react to whatever funny punchline Jisung just told and Felix turns away and pushes his lips up seven millimeters to look like he’s enjoying himself when he still doesn’t really understand half the garbage that spews out of these kids’ mouths and focuses on ignoring the professor in a socially acceptable way for the rest of class. 

 

Felix doesn’t expect anything to come of the moment, but perhaps in a previous life Felix and Hyunjin had known each other, had been tied together endlessly with an unbreakable chain because in this life there’s a magnetic pull that won’t let Felix and Hyunjin walk away from each other. 

 

“Hey,” a voice calls softly to where Felix sits outside, munching on a sandwich he had just gotten from the food court. “Do you mind if I sit?”

 

Felix shuffles over to the side without looking up. “Sit.” He watches as white shoes and long legs come into his vision before plopping down on the steps next to him. 

 

“Felix, right? I didn’t know we lived in the same dorms,” Hyunjin comments, pulling out his own lunch. 

 

“Yeah, I’m an exchange student so I only came halfway through the semester,” Felix explains. 

 

“Ah. I see.” 

 

They don’t say much else, just nibble on their food in silence. Or well, Felix nibbles on his food while Hyunjin alternates between picking at in and checking his phone. Felix notices Hyunjin spends more time on his camera app than social media, alternating between Instagram, VSCO, and his fitness tracker but every time Felix is about to comment on it, Hyunjin puts down his phone and goes back to playing with his food. 

 

Hyunjin opens his mouth finally as if he can’t take the silence much longer, and says, “So, math, huh?”

 

Felix hates small talk, he thinks it’s unbearable and if he went to hell he’s sure it would just be eternal small talk with the devil himself but the only thing he hates more than small talk is math so he blurts out the first thing he can think of to say and somehow that is, “You’re pretty. I think.”

 

“What?” Hyunjin has a slightly shocked expression on his face and it flickers somewhere between confusion and disappointment, and Felix knows immediately that he’s said the wrong thing. Somehow he fucks things up even when he does talk, but for some reason this time even as his anxiety is yelling, “Shut up! Shut up you idiot!” his mouth just keeps moving and blabbering, aimless like a little brook babbling non-stop, careless to what goes about around him. 

 

“I mean. Yeah. You have. Good features. Um, sorry about the bathroom, the other day. And, like, I don’t know. Well, I guess I’m actually not sorry, since it’s a communal bathroom.”

 

“Oh, yeah. It’s fine. I just didn’t expect anybody to be awake,” Hyunjin responds. He’s looking down now so Felix can’t actually gauge his reactions and he just keeps talking. 

 

“Right. Do you eat lunch at this time a lot?” Felix knows that Hyunjin does, in fact, eat lunch at this time a lot, because he’s been watching Hyunjin eat alone in the cafeteria for the past few weeks. In hindsight, it probably is borderline stalker-ish behavior. “Because I do, too. My friends usually eat together but I don’t like eat with them because they’re messy. You’re not much of a messy eater, though, so maybe we could eat together?”

 

And then finally, Hyunjin looks up and laughs. “Yeah. That’s why I sat with you.”

 

“Oh. I see.”

 

“I didn’t know you were so talkative,” Hyunjin says after a few more beats of awkward silence. 

 

Felix startles, having zoned out while watching a small ladybug crawl across one of the flowers growing on the patch of grass in front of them. A narcissus, maybe. “Oh, me?” Felix chuckles. “That’s usually the opposite of what people say. I mean, I ramble a lot but it usually stays in my head.”

 

Hyunjin nods thoughtfully. A gentle smile graces his lips, and Felix wishes there was a way he could make it reach his eyes, too. “So, why are you talking so much now?” he asks.

 

Felix shrugs. He couldn’t answer if he tried, but he thinks _fuck it_ , and he tries anyway. “I don’t know. Sometimes I just wish I could be more poetic. Both of my friends write rap songs and lyrics, and I aspire to be like that. But. I’m not.”

 

“But?” Hyunjin prompts.

 

“But. Looking at you makes me want to try.” Felix scrunches his eyes closed to prepare himself for whatever offended or creeped out reaction Hyunjin will surely have. 

 

He pops them back open when he hears a chuckle instead. “I would probably say that’s cheesy, but I think you’re cute, too.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.”

 

And so they become… Something. Felix can’t be sure if they’re friends or acquaintances or lovers but they sit together for lunch and sometimes they leave each other long voicemails when they feel like the world hates them, because the world does hate them. It’s weird and it’s sudden and Felix feels exhilarated but at the same time he knows it’s going to come crashing down and burning any moment now because nothing good has ever lasted but for now he holds on and guides Hyunjin down the path when he’s too busy looking at the sun to watch where he’s going. 

 

Felix hopes and prays that he really is guiding Hyunjin up, up and out of the hell that his own mind is trapped in, but he fears that he’ll look back too soon, that he’ll turn around only to discover all along that he was dragging a ghost behind him, not with encouragement but with brute force of will. 


	4. mirror mirror on the wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> have hope

“ _Hey, Felix, did I wake you?_ ”

 

“Hyunjin,” Felix whispers into the phone, climbing out of bed and out into the hallway so as to not disturb his sleeping roommate. “It’s five in the morning, what are you doing awake?”

 

“ _I’m sorry. I must have woken you, you can go back to sleep, Felix_ ,” Hyunjin’s voice comes across the line, timid and dejected. 

 

“No, that’s not what I meant, I just. Did you get any sleep?” Felix tries.

 

Hyunjin sighs, and it comes across like a staticky and metallic version of the softest flower petals rustling as they fall and nestle into the grass. “ _You can go back to sleep if you want, Felix. I’m sorry for waking you._ ”

 

“No, wait,” Felix stops Hyunjin before he can hang up. “I’m awake now, don’t worry about it. What did you need?”

 

There’s a long pause and for a moment, Felix wonders if Hyunjin has hung up on him before he finally starts speaking again. “ _I’m by the Han River, on the northeast side, across from the place where the balloon stand always is. Will you come watch the sunrise with me?_ ”

 

Felix chuckles, “Of course I will.”

 

He runs so he can make it on time. 

 

—

 

Felix approaches Hyunjin on the bridge, panting a little. Felix is just a little bit late and the sun’s already started to come up, the rosy fingers of dawn caressing Hyunjin’s body with a golden glow. From the angle that Felix watches Hyunjin from, though, all he can see is the black outline of a figure hunched over the railing of the bridge, looking down at the water churning below. 

 

“What are you looking at?” Felix asks, finding his voice once again in the presence of the only person who seems to be listening.

 

When Hyunjin doesn’t respond, Felix assumes the sound of the rushing water must have drowned out his voice and he’s about to turn away when Hyunjin finally opens his mouth. “I’m watching the water. It’s moving so quickly, without a care in the world. Look,” he says, beckoning Felix closer. “I can barely even see myself in my own reflection.”

 

“Why are you looking for a reflection?” Felix asks, watching their blurred and distorted figures rippling in the water below. The glint of the sunlight mingling with the ripples makes the dappled patches of skin glinting off the surface of each small wave criss-cross between each other until all that’s left to be seen is a large mess of colors weaving together and then disappearing altogether the farther out into the horizon they look.

 

“I think. I’m trying to find what you see in me,” Hyunjin answers, and Felix knows it’s the brutally honest truth, a truth that they have been dancing around for these past few weeks. 

 

Felix just hums, reaching his hand forward to creep down the railing until it brushes against Hyunjin’s. He turns to face Hyunjin as their fingers interlock, merging and blending like their reflections in the water below. 

 

“Everything.”

 

 

—

 

 

“Hey, Felix!” Changbin calls out as he pats the chair next to him. “Where do you go for lunch every day?”

 

“That’s a rhetorical question,” Jisung swoops in. “You don’t have to answer, I know you won’t anyway,” he says so matter of factly that it doesn’t even matter if it’s true, it stings. “I’ve seen you sitting with Hyunjin.”

 

“Uh, yeah. I sit with Hyunjin,” Felix answers cautiously. He can’t tell whether or not his friends genuinely hate Hyunjin sometimes, or if they’re just caught up in the gossip mill. 

 

“Interesting. Why though? Is he that pretty up close?” Changbin teases. 

 

“He is… pretty,” Felix concedes. He can already feel the blush creeping up on his cheeks, and while he knows it’s from the embarrassment and anxiety at being questions so intensely in public, he knows his friends will interpret it otherwise.

 

“Oh, wow. Do you like him or something?” Changbin asks, wrinkling his nose. “You never told us you were… Gay.” 

 

There’s something about the way Changbin says the word “gay” that has Felix flinching away, just a little too soon to see Jisung have the exact same reaction.

 

“Seriously, Changbin? There’s nothing wrong with it if you’re gay, Felix, I want you to know that,” Jisung says, slinging his arm over Felix’s shoulder. Felix just nods awkwardly and shrugs off his arm, zoning out of their conversation as he scoots to the side as he peaks to the back of the classroom to see if Hyunjin has entered yet. 

 

When he sees Hyunjin shuffle in just moments before the professor arrives, he waves a hand shyly and feels a warmth bloom in his chest as Hyunjin smiles back. 

 

When Jisung’s hand comes flying just a little bit too close to his face Felix zones back into their conversation just to hear Jisung say, “— just because I _used_ to like you, that doesn’t mean—”

 

“You used to like him?” Felix asks, butting in uncharacteristically of his usual self. 

 

Jisung exasperatedly rolls his eyes, not even bothering to look at Felix as he responds, “Yes. I can’t believe you still call yourself my friend when you don’t even know shit like this.”

 

“I—“ Felix wasn’t anticipating the attack, and is left flushing and speechless. 

 

“Just ignore him,” Changbin says. “He’s testy today.”

 

“Whatever,” Jisung cuts off, flipping open the pages of his notebook angrily. “Class is starting.”

 

—

 

Felix images that a small part of him somewhere recognizes that he’s overthinking it, but he can’t help the guilty feeling gnawing away in his chest as he thinks about what Jisung said to him earlier that day. _Was he really being a bad friend?_

 

Lost in his thoughts, Felix doesn’t register Hyunjin’s presence next to him until the boy nudges his thigh with the end of his foot. “Felix, what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing,” Felix answers, looking up as he pats the ground next to him. “Sit.” There’s something about the way that Hyunjin says _Felix_ , with a barely there third syllable instead of the usual two that drags out a smile onto Felix’s face automatically. 

 

“Are you sure you’re okay? You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind,” Hyunjin says. He reaches out to poke at Felix’s temple with a giggle as he teases, “I’m surprised, I’d think you usually don’t have anything up in there.”

 

“Ugh, shut up,” Felix jokes, batting away Hyunjin’s hands. “I was just thinking. Would you like to come get lunch with some of my friends? They usually go off campus.”

 

“Oh? Do you mean Changbin and Jisung?” Hyunjin asks, lowering his hands cautiously. Felix watches them as they sit in Hyunjin’s lap, sees the small tremors as they rest upon his knees. 

 

“Yeah, do you know them?” Felix asks, turning his body so that he’s fully facing Hyunjin now. 

 

Hyunjin shrugs, wringing his hands together now. “Oh, you know, only in passing. You’ve mentioned them a couple of times, I think.”

 

Felix nods, “Yeah, I’m sure they’d like you!” He knows some part of his brain tells him not to fool himself, that they don’t even like Felix and that they trash talk Hyunjin whenever they get the chance, but the other part of his brain, the part that wants to fit in, the part that wants to live university life just like the other kids do in the movies, tells him that one meeting won’t hurt. He’s just expanding social circles, not encouraging the collision of two burning stars that will create one more black hole in this universe that’s already tearing itself apart. 

 

“Really?” Hyunjin asks. His fingers have moved on to weaving into the grass beside them, ripping them up from the ground in clumps as he worries his way into the earth beneath them. 

 

“Really,” Felix says, reaching out a hand to rest over Hyunjin’s, turning them over so that now, it’s their fingers that are slotted together, grounding them into the moment. “Tomorrow. Or next week, if you want some more time.”

 

“Tomorrow,” Hyunjin says, looking up into Felix’s eyes that crinkle into half-moons as a grin hangs on to his face. “We can go tomorrow.”

 

As Felix watches Hyunjin smile back, his entire being shining brilliantly at him, Felix decides that it doesn’t matter anyway. It would never be the collision of two stars because Hyunjin outshines them all. 

 

As Felix looks into the face of the sun, he understands what it means to be blinded by love. 


	5. who is the fairest of them all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [recommended listening](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckqNuQjdUIc)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: anxiety, implied/referenced suicide

Felix feels strange, watching two worlds colliding in front of him, but as he watches Changbin shuffle over to make room for Hyunjin at the booth, Felix slowly comes to the realization that Hyunjin is his whole world. 

 

It’s a little awkward at first, as Felix shows up with no warning, just Hyunjin in tow behind him. It isn’t as if they really talk enough as a group to plan these events. Rather, it usually is the case that Jisung and Changbin will call over their shoulder the name of whatever cafe or fast food restaurant they’re going to for lunch without really waiting for Felix’s response after weeks of him not showing up. 

 

“Hey, you’re Hyunjin, right?” Jisung finally speaks up, nodding at Hyunjin. It’s then that Felix realizes that he should have been the one introducing the two groups to each other, but somehow, even with Hyunjin by his side, a rock holding him down, in this open space the waves of anxiety continue to crash over him, struggling to hear over the roar of the oceans of fear that webs in and out with the tides of the conversation around him. 

 

Luckily, Hyunjin seems to trust him enough in that moment. “Yes, that’s me. You’re Jisung,” Hyunjin answers confidently. Only Felix can feel the tremors in Hyunjin’s hands as he holds them under the table. When Jisung nods, Hyunjin smiles a little bit, beginning to relax the smallest bit back into his chair. “Then you must be Changbin?” Hyunjin asks, turning to Changbin who has been frozen in his seat this entire time, only his eyes darting around to follow Hyunjin’s movements. 

 

When Hyunjin addresses him directly, Changbin startles out of his daze and lowers his gaze to his food on the table where he begins to pick at his fries. “Uh, yeah,” Changbin mutters, voice barely audible as he speaks into the table in front of him. If Felix could be distracted from his own mind and jitters for a moment, he might see the slightest hint of a blush on Changbin’s cheeks, and he might see the way Jisung’s face crinkles and twists like he’s just drunken spoilt milk.

 

If only he could bring himself to think about something else for one moment, to drop his selfish conscious, he might have been able to pick up on the way the tide turns in the mood as conversation drops without Jisung’s chatter to fill the air. 

 

Instead, Felix sits there, mind running amok as he wonders why in the world he’s so nervous. _It isn’t as if I’m asking for his parents blessing to get married_ , his mind supplies oh so helpfully. The sudden image of Changbin and Jisung as Hyunjin’s parents startles him so much that he spits out his drink in a fit of nervous laughter, right onto Hyunjin’s face. 

 

Felix gasps and rushes to wipe off Hyunjin’s face with a handful of napkins, but when Hyunjin laughs it off, waving his hand and saying, “I’m okay, Felix. It’s okay,” Felix relaxes back into his seat. 

 

“You’re okay?” Felix asks, just to be double sure.

 

Before Hyunjin can answer, though, Jisung butts in, picking up the discarded napkins on the table. “Woah, hey what’s this?” he asks, turning the napkins over in a dramatic show of inspection. “Do you wear makeup or something? Is this foundation? And here I was, thinking you were so perfect,” Jisung says, hand slapping Felix’s back as he digs for a reaction. “I guess there really was a reason everybody called you a pretty boy. Don’t tell me the surgery rumors are true, too?”

 

Felix doesn’t know what to do, just letting his nervous laughter from before tide him over, hoping it will carry him past the sharp rocks and coral before him, only for it to push him right in the direction he was attempting to steer clear of. 

 

Who knew a giggle could be so sinister.

 

—

 

Later, Felix asks again, “You okay?”

 

Hyunjin just bobbles his head, and Felix can’t be sure if it’s a shake of his head no or a nod yes. All he can do is hope it’s the latter and move on. 

 

 

—

 

 

A week has passed since, and Felix hasn’t tried to make Hyunjin interact much more with Jisung and Changbin. It doesn’t help much that exam season is beginning to kick in, which means that all they have time for is revising. 

 

Felix looks up from his computer to see that at some point during the day only to see that the sun has already set. It’s dark out, the sort of dark that makes things that were once bright and colorful seem dark and murky. One would think that the trees that had glinted bright, dappled hues of green in the sunlight would at least reflect some color but the stars don’t shine nearly brightly enough in the night. The branches turn twisted and gruesome in the night, knotted and scaly hands reaching towards his windows at the wind rustles through the leaves, stirring them like a hoard of bats forming a mesh across the blinking lights of the city in the distance. 

 

There’s a sense of separation from the world, almost as if he’s been hidden away by the brambles that claw at his clothes and pull him back into the den of the monster he’s been yearning to escape. 

 

When his phone lights up across from him, he shakes his head out of his thoughts and reaches for it across the table. Seeing another voicemail from Hyunjin, he smiles a little as he thumbs it open, ready to let the soothing sound of Hyunjin’s voice lull him to sleep again tonight, ready to fall back into their routine where it’s just the two of them and nobody around to tell them who they are or what to do anymore. 

 

As he listens, however, his hands begin to shake, the blood drains out of his face, and he shudders as he trips over his own damn feet.

 

“Damn it, damn it, _fuck_!” he shouts, bumping into the doorpost as he half tugs on a jacket before running out with one arm through the sleeve and the other flapping behind him. 

 

He always thought it was ridiculous, in the dramas and movies the way the protagonist would trip over his own feet in such a critical moment as he wondered, _wouldn’t the stress and adrenaline make him run faster?_ But as he himself staggers down the pavement, he can’t control his own legs, taken over by fear as he trips his way forward, knees locking and catching at unnecessary moments. 

 

Every second that passes feels like an hour as his heart pounds in his chest and he wonders, _why can’t I move faster? Why am I not there yet?_ He doesn’t realize it, but the world around him begins to blur as tears roll over and trickle down his face without him even realizing it. 

 

In his hurry to get there, he passes the bridge, and when he stops, he can’t bring himself to turn around immediately. Slowly, and with dread, he lets his body turn first. 

 

It’s like the time Hyunjin asked him to come and see the sunrise with him. Felix stands at the northeast bridge, across the place from where the balloon stand always is— except, it’s not always here. It’s not here right now, in the dead of the night in this lot that’s been emptied out completely, devoid of any signs of life. There’s no warm, golden sunset glow, there are no birds chirping in the distance. Just the hissing and flickering of a streetlamp, it’s harsh glow illuminating the pavement. 

 

Felix slowly traces his gaze up, inch by inch, praying with every second that passes that he will look up and see Hyunjin there, waving and waiting for him. When he looks up, there’s nothing there. Felix approaches slowly, stumbling forward on shaky legs. 

 

There, in the very middle of the bridge, almost as precisely as if maybe Hyunjin measured it, lays a pair of shoes, a phone and a shard of broken glass placed right next to it. They point exactly perpendicular to the railings, the phone and glass each two centimeters apart. Felix can only imagine it was Hyunjin stalling, meticulously making his last arrangements as he waited for Felix to come, a few hours too late. 

 

He falls with a thud to the ground, knees scraping against the pavement of the concrete bridge. With trembling fingers, his hand reaches forward until the cracked mirror is under his forefinger and he drags it back towards himself, cradling it against his chest, avoiding eye contact with the million pieces of himself reflected in the mirror, telling him again and again how he fucked up, echoing his mistakes with each glint of light it catches from above.

 

Finally, he lets out a breath he was holding, and that’s when everything breaks.

 

—

 

Later, as he sits in an ambulance with an orange shock blanket draped over his shoulders, he’ll be told that he’s in shock, that he called 119 and just screamed and screamed into the phone, unable to speak any coherent words until the dispatcher had to track his phone, as the firemen came not to put out a fire but to pick up the pieces of a flame that burned itself out.

 

He looks down and sees the glass is still in his hands. Felix doesn’t know why it suddenly means the whole world to him, as he only has vague memories of seeing it glinting in Hyunjin’s hands from time to time when Hyunjin would lift up his hands to brush the hair out of his face as he talked, or drop it into his bag so he could grab Felix’s hands instead, but he’s clutching it like a lifeline, so tight that it’s cut into his hands and he’s dripping blood onto the concrete below him.

 

A paramedic comes over, sees the blood and tries to take the glass out of Felix’s hands, but Felix finds himself struggling until finally, he pushes the paramedic away with a sharp slap to his face. 

 

The paramedic sighs, but it’s not a huff of annoyance. It’s a deep, painful sigh of somebody who has run out of pity from seeing tragedy again and again but has somehow wrung out the last drop of it to feed this starving boy in front of him.

 

“My name is Chan. I would like to help you. Won’t you let me?”

 

The fight is completely drained out of him, and Felix just nods. The paramedic, Chan, gently takes Felix’s hands into his own, pulling an antiseptic wipe out of his first aid kit as he begins to clean the wound. “It’s not a deep cut. You’ll be okay.”

 

“I’ll be okay,” Felix whispers into the air.

 

“You’ll be okay.”

 

 

 

—

 

 

 

“ _Hey, Felix_.”

 

Felix’s thumb hovers over the pause button, but he holds himself back, he knows he has to hear this or else he’ll go insane. He needs the closure. And so, inhaling the briny scent of the river, he steels himself for the words that come next.

 

“ _What’s up? You’re probably studying now, as is everybody else. I’m sorry if I’m bothering you. I just wanted to talk to somebody. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately._

 

_There’s that saying, right? That the happiest people are the saddest. To be honest, I have no clue what that means. But I do know that for a few moments in my life, you’ve made me the happiest person in the world._

 

_I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t return that to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t do enough with all that you gave me. I’m sorry that I was greedy, that I wanted more._

 

_I was hoping that I might share one last sunset with you, but I really shouldn’t distract you from your studies, right?_

 

_Anyway, there are about ten more minutes until sunset. Call me if you can make it, yeah?_

 

_I’ll see you.”_

 

The timestamp of the call says 7:43 PM, just as the sun would have been setting. Perhaps, Hyunjin was paying his last respects to the sun which had gifted him this blessing, or perhaps Hyunjin was here to angrily shout his woes at being shunned from the world because of a blessing turned a curse, or perhaps, Hyunjin was here to finally see his reflection, to see what he truly was: the light that graced the entire earth, the light that shone so bright that nobody could look it in the eyes, the light that consumed all, the light that scorched hearts. 

 

As Felix stands there, head bowed down, tears watering the narcissus flowers at his feet, he utters the last words he will speak for a long, long time. 

 

“I’ll see you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um. so yes. it is over. i'm sorry if the ending wasn't super satisfying, this is the first time i've written a fic and not been satisfied with it myself. it reached the plot that i intended but i'm afraid i just don't know if i love it that much. i hope you guys liked it though, thank you for reading to the end!

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [[twitter](https://twitter.com/2jaepg)] and [[tumblr](http://busanjeongin.tumblr.com/)]!  
> kudos and comments always appreciated  
>  
> 
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